Phosphene Credo

Hello there.

What I immediately like about this is how nearly abstract it is. It's meaning is relative. The title adds to this (I quite like the title - Colours in the Dark is also nice). The whole thing feels slightly winding, and it all works together quite nicely.

I have never been a fan of immediate repetition, but as much of the repetition is unresolved (the pattern is not identical) it seems to be almost working for me. So keep in mind as I go into general technique and impact stuff that I am predisposed to dislike this kind of repetition. Let's get started.

'we are flowers against the abyss' is a wonderful line to start with. I love it. There are a lot of questions in the statement. As you know, it is followed immediately by 'we are wounds yet to heal in god's skin' - another good line, but I don't feel like I got enough time with the first line. It's there and gone. While I tend to like writing styles that further seemingly abstract ideas, it's simply not working for me in this instance. Take a look, see how it feels as a standalone line - no stanza attached. It's such a strong statement I feel like I need longer to appreciate it. The next two stanzas might work well if you would combine them, might work better if you cut out 'for pain / for fun', or simple make that bit it's own stanza. That would be a nice breath. I'd have time to appreciate 'dying every second' and it's connection to the previous two lines, and a nice bridge to get to the next bit.

The next stanza seems a bit crucial. The words before present descriptions, yet under 'we are supernovas' we find an idea. 'ashes rather though we would be' doesn't flow as well as the rest. It's distracting. 'though ashes we would rather be' or something of the sort would make more sense and it might help to make the transition into the next bit seem less abrupt.

'we are sparks that fly from the campfire' is a nice line. It seems a little...I've lost the word i was looking for, but there is something off. Perhaps you could consider 'we are sparks flying from the campfire'. That seems to make it more real. This is a sort of grounding line, something because view frequently. Saying there are sparks 'that fly' makes me consider the sparks that don't fly. But it makes it seem like it isn't a constant. Sparks flying makes it seems constant, raising the sort of questions a lot of the poem has asked. So consider why kind of idea you're trying to put forth here, and perhaps take another look. It might also be beneficial to bring up entropy in the line after the campfire. It would take something recognizable and make it entropy. I don't think 'chaos' about the sparks of the campfire, so the comparison could due to be stronger. Especially if you bring up entropy there, I would consider cutting the 'we are entropy' bit or the 'we are shooting stars' bit. I like that latter line more, and it fits very well, but you'd want to go with the line that fits best with the 'nitroglycerin hearts' line, as that line is stronger than most of the lines that came before it. You could even bring up the shooting star with the campfire stanza (instead of entropy). It seems a bit jumbled in that area, and I certainly can't tell you what to decide, but it seems the root of the problem might be the line 'our lives devoted to chaos'.

'we are are alive' is a very well placed line, and I (again) feel like I might need a moment longer to appreciate it before I move on to 'we are aflame'. 'and one day' feels very strange all on it's own. You could try something like (mixing it with the next line) 'one day we will fall'. 'on you' doesn't quite flow, because the 'you' is brought up in the next line.

You have the words and the ideas, it just seems like they might have gotten a bit jumbled. Organization and timing and the like. But overall, a very solid piece.